Honey, Vinegar, and lots and lots of bees

The other day, I was in the post office, waiting in line, when the young man ahead of me started getting upset.

“What do you mean I can’t get the package?” His voice was loud and getting louder. “I know that package doesn’t have my name on it! I told you: it’s for my girlfriend. She really needs it. It’s her diabetes supplies.”

The postal worker said something calm and firm about it not being in his name, about how he’d need a signature from his girlfriend in order for them to give it to him. Our devoted boyfriend was getting more and more agitated; he had started to yell and curse. “That’s b&&$h*t! You gave it to me last time and she really needs it! And she can’t come pick it up. She’s working!” The postal workers caught each others’ eye, but only as a nod to staying the course. Then, as his rant got louder, they fully ignored him. There was no other help they could or were willing to provide.

The moment resonated for me. I’ve been there: When it comes to diabetes, I’ve had moments when I’ve been that angry. I think I’m in good company here. All of us T1D parents have had flares of anger about the ways that people just don’t get what we’re going through. So we see that boyfriend and understand the fear and frustration; we know how scary it can be when things go sideways.

But here’s where I need to make an important distinction: I have been that angry, but I don’t act like that. It’s not effective to start yelling at the postal workers. I choose to be strategic. I had a friend who used to say “You get more bees with honey than with vinegar.” Absolutely. And when it comes to diabetes safety, I want to collect a lot of bees — I want there to be a lot of places where people know me and where my relationship with them is strong enough that I can get the support I need to keep my T1D kids safe.

This is important in lots of places — the pharmacy, the doctor’s office, my community. But for me, and for many other T1D parents, there’s no place this kind of relationship and advocacy is as important as at our kid’s school. That’s the place our kids go day after day, the place where we absolutely need to be sure that there is a strong team helping to manage their diabetes. Sure, we have some legal authority here. We can work with our doctor to design a strong 504 plan. But we still need strong relationships to make sure that plan is implemented in the spirit that we’re hoping for. 

But, let’s be frank: building that relationship can be tricky. I know that initially it was for me. I was uncomfortable asking for what I needed. And I know I’m not alone in this: I work with lots of parents who struggle with that same issue. The problem is that when we’re uncomfortable, the requests don’t always come out all that clearly. Sometimes we’re too passive. Sometimes — ironically — we get too big. Finding the right balance in how to ask for what we need and want can be hard. 

And even when we do find our way to asking well, that doesn’t always mean things go smoothly. After all, the school can push back or they can drop the ball. When these kinds of things happen, it’s easy either to capitulate, or — like the boyfriend in my story — to get really angry. But ultimately these aren’t strategies for us to protect our kids. So we need a tool kit that helps us stay level, clear and confident in having these hard conversations in our children’s schools. That’s what allows us to build the relationships we need so we can be effective advocates. 

To help you hone those skills, I’m offering my next free workshop on August 18th at 9a pst/12p est: Beyond the 504: The toolkit you need to build a successful partnership with your T1D kid’s school. There, you’ll learn some concrete skills that not only will help you advocate for your child when you have this year’s 504 meeting, but that will also help you navigate those tough moments when things go sideways with diabetes at school. 

All that said, I want to name the elephant in the room here: Sometimes we do our best and things are still hard at school. After all, there was probably nothing that boyfriend could have done that would have convinced those postal workers to bend their rules for him. But if you want to hone your communication skills and be able to think more strategically about how to make that school-parent partnership stronger, I look forward to working with you on August 18th!